Life, love and palliative care

My greatly beloved sister Jane died this morning, a peaceful end to 84 years of a life extraordinarily well lived. For a few days she had been on palliative care.

Palliative care. File that term away for yourself, your parents, your friends and family. It’s the new best thing, even though for centuries it was the old best thing: keep me comfortable and let life come full circle. For centuries we believed that life was a cycle: birth, Stuff, death. Some people’s stuff was better than others, but there was a general agreement that death happened, so it made sense to ease it along when the time came. Usually it didn’t take long. Often, if ease was not to be had, the family doctor invited everyone in briefly to say goodbye, closed the door and administered a shot of morphine.

Then we invented chemotherapy and ventilators and feeding tubes and miracle drugs and adopted the national attitude that one is supposed to live forever. Plus, we invented lawsuits. So dying turned into something horrid and often painful, something one is really not supposed to do. Physician aid-in-dying for the terminally ill became illegal; even talking about it gave Sarah Palin the death panel willies.

My sister Jane was a gifted artist who told me, a few days before she died, that she’d reached the apex of her career because one of her recent paintings was stolen from a show currently on view. (She was also delighted that others were selling well.) She was a remarkable mother, hostess, book-lover, friend, and about the world’s best big sister. The day after our last conversation she had respiratory failure (quit smoking, please, if you haven’t already) and began to die.

Jane was briefly on a ventilator, which I hated as much as she, but one does what needs to be done. Very quickly she moved from that to palliative care. Her husband, four daughters and assorted grandchildren gathered around to sing songs, hold hands, administer foot rubs, report to her remaining two sisters and innumerable friends that all was well.

This is not an argument against miracle drugs or aggressive interventions when appropriate, or even against feeding tubes and ventilators — although if you catch my children approving such things after I conk my head on the curb please remind them of my explicit instructions to the contrary. But it is an argument to confront mortality, complete your advance directives, talk to family and friends about your own wishes no matter how young and immortal you feel yourself to be, support compassionate and humane dying. Advocating for decent health care for the living wouldn’t be a bad way to start.

Palliative care is a valuable new/old thing. So are big sisters like Jane, although they are hard to come by.