The Joys of Oxalis
Transiency
Mimi had grown frail with a multiplicity of complaints in recent years, and did not have a lot of enthusiasm for a long decline. So when a cluster of strokes and heart attacks lifted her rather swiftly heavenward it was probably fine with her, if not good for the rest of us. JoAnn, though, was six years younger than Updike, a hearty, joyous soul who had survived breast cancer decades ago and a recurrence somewhat later. One night she sat down on the edge of her bed, readying for a night’s sleep. Some tiny something, a piece of plaque somewhere, broke off into her blood stream and the next moment she was dead. Most of us would sign up for this swift, painless exit, but not right now please.
Being very kind to one another has taken on a new urgency. Planes crash, fires and floods and earthquakes happen, people who are supposed to be here suddenly aren’t. Being kind, spreading a little ray of joy when you find one, noticing the smell of approaching rain – so the IRA has tanked and the stimulus package can’t be fathomed; still, maybe it’s worth paying attention to the smell of almost-rain.
A few blocks up Arguello Boulevard from our house, in the storied space that is now the Presidio National Park, sculptor Andy Goldsworthy recently created a breathtakingly lovely new work titled Spire. Made of trees felled in the effort to return the Presidio to its natural state, Spire is surrounded by newly planted young trees. As those trees grow, they will eventually cause Spire to disappear, blending back into the forest. It’s all a part of this mystical effort to keep the planet spinning as intended: forests come and go, the universe continues. Which seems quite a comfortable arrangement.
John Updike could have worked this into a darned good story.
Transiency
Singing with Sisters
My sister Mimi and I used to belt out a two-part harmony tune on our way to work in downtown Richmond, VA a few decades back. “Strolling aLONnng… singing a sonnng… side by side.” Nobody threw shoes at us, although some may have considered it. We actually kept the volume down. But the world at any decibel level was our oyster and the sidewalks of a dozen or so blocks between our apartment and jobs – at the Richmond Times-Dispatch and radio station WRNL – our kingdom . That little pop song and a few other seize-the-day tunes got us through dark mornings and small hangovers for an exuberant season or two – and to work on time. I think it was less about the words and music, though, than the two-part harmony and the sheer joy of singing.
Harmony, particularly among women, might be the secret to world peace. Threshold Choirs (three- and four-parts and more) bring peace and comfort to the bedsides of dying folks, a movement that started not long ago with a group of 15 women and has expanded into many states and several countries. Founder Kate Munger dates her inspiration for Threshold Choir to the time, gathered around a Girl Scout campfire, when “we were all singing and everything about the world was wonderful, connected and sweet.” This may not be globally possible any time soon. But the metaphorical image of everyone hunkered around a giant campfire to sing away our problems surely warms the heart, at least for most of us girls. My friend Susan McMane recently returned from Washington with the elite Chorissima group of the San Francisco Girls Chorus , where they helped sing the new president into office; maybe that campfire spirit will catch on.
And back to the strolling-along spirit – “Side by Side” continues thus: “We don’t know what’s coming tomorrow, maybe it’s trouble and sorrow, but we’ll travel the road, sharing our load, side by side.”
Mimi departed this world recently, leaving me seriously bereft but with the two-part harmony permanently in my head. The world is welcome to join in.
Singing with Sisters
Sorrow
When my daughter Pam was 17, she had a group of incandescent friends – Julie, Catherine, Kim, Martha, Polly and others – who lit the spaces of our lives. They went on to college, jobs, marriages and adventures, lost track of each other at times and got back together at high school reunions. They encountered heartaches and obstacles, found success and contentment and joy.
A few weeks ago, Kim’s daughter Ally, who was born within several months of my own beloved first granddaughter, died in an auto wreck. She was 17. Ally was, according to all reports from her grief-stricken friends, one of those incandescent teenagers herself, a pretty, outgoing, church-going, clean-living young woman of limitless promise. It is an unfathomable sorrow. Akin to the ache that envelops the room as those photos of smiling young service men and women roll silently across the NewsHour screen every Friday, with only their names, ages and hometowns suggesting the overwhelming sadness that their loss now creates.
When Pam and Kim and the others were about 17, their friend Mark was killed in a motorcycle accident. The only son of a very dear friend of mine, I remember Mark as filled with a more macho but equally vibrant incandescence; his loss remains, especially for his family and for those contemporary friends, a giant sorrow.
Here, though, is what sorrow does. It unites. It makes humanity understandable, it makes gentleness essential. Why would anyone who knew Ally or Mark ever want to be unkind? How could any of us fail to cherish the people we see and the day we greet?
It does nothing to lessen the loss. But whether we knew them or not, this is a parting gift from Ally and Mark.

