THE WONDERS OF MODERN SURGERY, REPORTED IN REAL TIME
(TODAY’S DIVERSION FROM OTHER WORLD NEWS)
You’ve got to love modern medicine.
I arrive at the Kaiser Musculoskeletal Medicine Department a few minutes early for my 9:30 appointment. After all the ominous worst-case scenario documents are signed and promises made (in writing) not to sue if they happen, enter the surgeon. She confirms which of my knobbly toes it is that we plan to un-knobble a little, whips out a magic marker and writes herself a note: “Yes!” . . . with arrow just in case.
Re-enter the assistant.
The assistant has more to do than the surgeon it seems to me. She was responsible for getting my signatures on all the right pages, and now she’s busy making my foot look ready for the barbecue pit.
Enter the surgeon again, suiting up in blue paper and whipping blue paper over and under the scene of the action. After that she starts erasing her messages to self and playing around with Q-tips, while the assistant is discussing cataract surgery she (the assistant) has scheduled for tomorrow. “Eww,” says my toe surgeon, “shot in the eye! That sounds awful!” I’m hoping we don’t start mixing up eyes and toes here, but having had cataract surgery myself I join in with the assistant to assure the toe surgeon that cataracts are no big deal. Just to be clear, my own eyes are closed by now; I did not choose to watch. But couldn’t resist holding my phone up to record what was underway.
The surgeon has gone for the X-acto knife. Is there a desk drawer in America without an X-acto knife? Surely not. But I’ve been watching the assistant pour Betadyne over my foot and everything else around including the instrument tray, so I’m assuming this isn’t just any old X-acto knife. My guess is that the X-acto people have a surgery division which churns out knives for toes exactly the same as the ones for crafting that are in every desk drawer, but the ones for toes cost some 500 times more. God only knows how much the ones for hearts cost.
Approximately 10 minutes later, the deed is done, the surgeon has congratulated us all and departed, the assistant pulls a sock over my bulkily bandaged foot, finishes up with a stylish new boot and voilà! I am into a Lyft and back home for coffee at 10.
Next week: resumption of the 3 or 4 mile daily walk, all ten toes in synch.
Call me a softie,Fran I could not read or watch what was going on with your toe(s). Just recently I had a podiatrist look at my toes– a family member had been gently cutting my toes. He came in what looked like a scary-looking scalpel, and without a Hi, How are You, pulled his metal innstrument onto my right foot, and started cutting the nails ND THE FOOT SKIN UNDER THAT– DESPITE MY LOUD SCREAMS! Today I see the Right Big Toe is growing a new nail bed. He wanted to do the left foot, but I (yelled?)NO.
Oh, that hurts too much even to think about!! My poor toes are in such a shape that I haven’t had a pedicure in decades; pedicurists sadly are seldom trained in podiatry. But I do have a super gentle podiatrist who keeps things under control, and this Kaiser foot doc was just a wizard.
Glad you got it fixed but yikes!
Thanks. All in all this has been a pretty yikes-free experience. 😊
i always stay awake and with eyes open, if possible. i want to see it alllll.
You’re serious? You WATCH? OMG. I could only hold the phone up for photos to look at wayyy post-op.
I had surgery on both feet and had to wear those boots. BE CAREFUL. I fell twice and injured hip (bruise the side of Greenland) and arm (scar like a slice of zucchini). Those
boots are dangerous.
Oh me, that doesn’t sound like fun at all! I’ll be extra cautious in your honor, thanks 🙏
HOORAY for getting re-toed. Wonderful recounting of the minor-ish surgery. How is it feeling now? Before you go stomping around the hill of the City, you could get a pedicure with glitter and bright colors. To match your foot? Cheers.
Not sure these feet will ever be glitter-appropriate . . . but it’s a thought ☺️
good to see you got yourself a refurbished wheel! And glad you can get back on the walking path soon!
Patch, patch, patch . . .